Depression and Anxiety

This is a post I have wanted to write for some time now. The problem is that I'm not sure why exactly I want to write or what I want to say. But I'm tired.

I'm tired of stigma that surrounds mental illness.

I'm tired of being embarrassed to tell people that I take an anti-depressant.

I'm tired of feeling shame for having anxiety and depression.

It has been over three years since I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist. Over three years since I was first prescribed ten milligrams of Celexa daily. Over three years since I felt like I lost a battle with myself.

The catalyst was a new level of depression that I had no experienced before: apathy. I thought feeling hopeless was terrible, but there's something inexplicably worse about feeling nothing and not caring anymore. Instead of wanting to lay in bed because it feels like the day will suck, I wanted to lay there because there didn't seem to be a point. I became a shell; I wasn't myself anymore. I could see how concerned my friends were for me, so I decided it was time to do something. Thankfully, that was the one thing I still cared about - my friends. The day I was officially diagnosed was the first time I felt something in months. Thus, began an internal struggle.

I often get asked why I don't like being on medication. It's because of this unfair amount of pride that I hold on to. Being put on medicine made me feel like I let myself down. I had gone so many years without it, so why now? I wish I could say I've moved past this internal battle, but that would be a big, fat lie.

But I still try to take my medicine. It is my responsibility to the world to make sure I am doing what is within my power to manage my health. I've tried to use it as an excuse for broken friendships and angry outbursts, but at the end of the day, it's my fault for not doing what I need to. I can't let my mental health interfere with my life when I have prime opportunity to manage it.

As much as I hate that tiny, orange pill, I appreciate what it does for me. It allows me to feel sad without getting trapped in a pit of despair. It allows me to live in my moments of happiness without anticipation of sudden anxiety. It allows me to experience all emotions at a manageable level. At the end of the day, it's better to swallow a pill every day than to get stuck feeling like everything sucks or to suddenly feel like everything is going wrong and there's no way to fix it. Having depression and anxiety can leave me feeling stuck, even though I have multiple ways to move forward.

The question still remains - why do I want to share all of this? I think it's because I want people to understand that mental health can be hard to put into words. That sometimes there's nothing to say, but it's important to remind people that you still care. That even though I am a person with depression and anxiety, I am still a person, and it doesn't define who I am. That there's no reason to be ashamed of struggling with mental health. That someone like me doesn't need pity but reminders that there are people who have my back.

Bottom line is, thank you to everyone who has stood behind me and helped pull me out of my cloud.

I couldn't be here without you.