Bliss

I had a moment of bliss tonight.

I was driving home, after talking with my friend, Bridget, for 40 minutes. It was a good talk to. One of those talks you walk away from, knowing that it was good. Today was the lowest the temperature has been in a month or so. So, I rolled down the window to let the wonderful fresh air into my car. Along with the wonderful breeze, the sweet scent of the Wonder Bread factory around where I live crawled into my car.

I mean, what's better than the cool night air, the sweet smell of bread, and some nice music playing while you're driving home? It was a moment of pure bliss. I was completely happy for that second. It was wonderful.

Enjoy those small moments in life. They're incredible.

Flipped

So about 3-4 months ago, I was unable to open up to my mom and share my faith with her. I would always go to my friends and share whatever awesome faith thing that happened to me. Then tonight happened.

I was discussing a question with my friend, Connor, that had been asked at youth group the week I wasn't there. We start talking, and then other people want to know what we're talking about. So I reply, "Youth group, you guys won't care."

Instead of a no-we-actually-do-care response (Which I foolishly hoped for.) or a oh-okay-we'll-just-let-you-carry-on-then response, I have people who I thought I could open up to scoffing at me and making snide little comments. The person who I have called my best friend since 3rd grade was among those people.

Suddenly, I realized that these people do not love me for who I am. If I can't share something, such as my faith, with them without fear of being ridiculed, then what kind of relationships do I have with these people? Am I going to be able to rely on them while my grammy makes one of the toughest decisions in her life? Will they be there for me when some other shit hits the fan, and I need someone who will just be there and love me as a person? I mean, what are these "friendships" based on? Jokes about sex, making fun of other people, and bad-mouthing people who we act friendly towards when we're around them?

These shallow relationships are not what I want, nor need, in my life. Why are they so afraid to have a conversation that's deeper than, "I want to make out with you, haha, not really, oh my god, you're fat."?

Why is it that suddenly my mom's heart has opened up while the hearts of the people I surround myself with have suddenly closed?

Dear "friends", stop being fake to my face, and kill this relationship we have if you truly do not want it.

Kindness

Kindness is a great thing, right? That's what most people would think. If that's the case, then why are so many people suspicious of kindness they receive? It's like we can't trust nice people's compliments, but we can trust cruel people's insults. Does that seem right to you? Why is it so easy for us to believe something bad that someone tells us about ourselves (That very well might not be true.) yet we have trouble accepting the good about ourselves that someone reveals to us?

I compliment my friend, telling her she looked pretty in prom pictures. She thinks I went out of my way to say that to her, and feels like I was trying too hard to be nice. Here's the thing - her and I have suddenly stopped talking. So I felt like it gave me a way to talk to her again. Excuse me for just trying to be sincere. Kindness shouldn't be doubted. I figure if they're being nice, accept it. So what if they might be faking it? At least you know they have the courtesy to not be a jerk to your face.

Stop questioning the good things in life. Seriously.

Words

Here's a small note for anyone and everyone:

Never tell someone they could try harder with the way they look.

Seriously, I know words say everything (Literally.), but also be wary of which ones you use and how you use them. Before you know it, four, small words can turn into a mountain of harm toward another person.

People say they aren't hurt by words, but words leave the deeper scars sometimes.

People

One thing I've always said over and over is that I love people. It's true. At times, they really frustrate me (including myself), but in the end people are just...incredible.

This last week, I was in the 'I-hate-people' mood. I'm just so tired of people gossipping about each other and saying horrible things about people who I'm friends with. I know I do it too, but I still wish it would just go away. Why do people think they have the right to question why I'm friends with someone? It's my choice. I was losing faith in people, and that was very depressing. I've said this before, but how do I know that I can trust my friends when I hear them talking behind other people's backs. But even with that doubt in my head, it's occasionally confirmed when a friend tells me they heard someone complaining about me or some other random crap. I also felt like I was only a tool for my debate partner's success when he told me he doesn't care who he goes to state with, he only wants to go to state. Yes, it hurt a lot. No one enjoys being used, or even being told that they're being used. I've gotten over it - I had to so it wouldn't interfere with the tournament this last weekend - but it still affects me. Is that all people see in me? I can be used? I pray that it's more than that.

Now, today restored my faith in people. First, my niece reminds me of how much I love life. Second, the family I have at Lifeteen never fails me. Good talks, jokes, and simple time spent with each other - it's all part of the package. We had adoration tonight, and it was amazing. I haven't smiled like that in a while.

One small little note, I can go to the retreat that they're having in January, AND I can go to state. No more conflict.

Anyway, the person who always reminds me of the good in people would be Stacy. This is what she wrote on my wall about an hour and a half ago:

"random thought i just had: we're going to be friends for a long time. like,
when i'm 57 and you're 46, we'll still be friends....hahahhahahaha...i can't
wait to see what we're like then.."

It's people like her that remind me how valuable I am as a person, whether she tells me to my face or not. She is definitely one of the best friends I have in my life. We all need a person like Stacy in our lives. She listens, she cares, she loves. She has caught me so many times when I've fallen. She's sacrificed a lot to help me reach the point that I'm at right now, and I won't ever be able to thank her enough.

Stacy, if you read this...well, I think you know.

Doors

Here's a random thought:

You can never escape from doors.

Okay, here's what I mean. Even when you feel like the world has never been darker, even when you feel like you are beyond repair, even when you think you're totally alone, and even when it seems like you've reached a dead end and there's no turning around, there is always another door to step through. No one is beyond help until they aren't living anymore. There is always a chance for you to get off the path you're going down, and there's even a chance for you to turn around and face all of the mistakes you have opened up in your life. Like the cheesy motivational poster in my American history teacher's room says, someone can open a door for you, but you gotta walk through it yourself. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it seems impossible, but it isn't. You can always get through it. It may take an incredibly long time, but you can always get through the doors presented to you. It may seem dark on the other side, but once you make it through, it's worth it. You always have a chance.

So, what doors are opened to you right now?

Gifts

So, here's something else that bothers me.

When people refuse to acknowledge that they have a gift.

We all have our own individual gifts and talents. So why can't people realize that? There is a reason why we are not like each other. It doesn't matter if you think you 'suck' at something. You can be good at anything- it's just a matter of finding in what way you're good at that thing. And why do you have to be the best at it? No one is ever the best. There's always a way to improve, or someone finds another angle to approach something.

These are the three excuses I hear from people the most:

1: It's not me, it's God.

2: I'm not that good.

3: You're better.

Okay, here's what I think:

1: Yes, we are instruments for God, but at the same time we have free will so we decide what we do. We have gifts from God, but He doesn't make us do anything, thus, free will.

2: Yes, you are that good. Stop humbling your talent! If people constantly compliment you on something you do, quit being humble and acknowledge your talent. It is something to be proud of, and you should be like, 'Yeah, I am pretty darn good at this!' But do not forget that you are not better than anyone else.

3: NO! I am NOT better, nor am I lesser than you.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Why does it matter if something has something you don't? You will never be that person, so stop trying to be them and just learn to be comfortable with being yourself.

Life is not a competition. I'm sick of people trying to beat each other in things that can never be 'won'. Such as, who has it worse? Everyone goes through different problems, some big and some small. But that doesn't make any problem less important. If something is bothering you, then it's important. It doesn't matter how 'small' it is. If you're unhappy, that's a problem and people should help you work through it rather than making you feel guilty for being human and having the emotion of sadness. You deserve to feel sad or upset if something is bothering you.

Stop competing.