Anxious and Impatient

I recently returned from a nine-day trip to Germany and Austria. It was one of the most amazing trips I have ever taken. The timing of the trip was perfect, too.

I previously mentioned how I had been itching to go somewhere - to explore. I just wanted to get away from Lenexa. Germany and Austria are definitely away. Now that I'm back, though, I'm even more unsatisfied with where I am. I got a taste of something different. I liked the taste, and now I want more.

First of all, Germany is gorgeous. The Alps provide a scenic background when the fog around them clears, and driving from city to city on the Autobahn isn't an eyesore. The cities themselves are even enjoyable to look at. The architecture of the buildings is very appealing to the eyes and doesn't have the stale, cookie-cutter look to it. Not to mention the breath-taking design of the cathedrals and churches: Baroque, Gothic, Romanesque, to name a few styles. Apart from the buildings, everything just feels cleaner in general. Munich is one of the cleanest cities I have seen. I never saw piles of litter, the air felt fresh, and it just seemed much more youthful and alive. Santa Monica used to be my favorite city, but Munich took it's place within a few hours of my arrival.

I think what's so enticing about Munich is how small it feels, despite it's population of over 1.3 million. We were able to walk everywhere that we needed to go, only taking the subway occasionally. I got to actually see and experience the city and be submerged into it rather than watching it all whiz by through a car window. My parents disliked the hotel room we had, but I loved it. the entire room was slightly bigger than my bedroom, but it was big enough for three people. How awesome is that? I think I'm someone who needs a smaller living space. I have too much room and no clue what to do with it. I'd say about 80 percent of the things in my room I touch, at most, once a year. I have this excess of possessions - this clutter.

I find it interesting that I'm drawn to a smaller personal living space, considering that I hate small towns. Maybe I enjoy the simplicity of my own personal space, while at the same time I want to have the ability to plunge myself into something bigger. It's like accessing a bigger world through a small door.

This has also made me begin to re-think my desire for a family. This might be my irrational fear of commitment, but I highly value my independence. I enjoy coming home when my family is all out and being able to have time and space to myself. If I had a family - even just a husband - finding that space would take more effort. Sure, it's lazy, but it's also what makes me happy. Even though Katharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers pegged me as 89% extroverted, I can only be around people for so long. Eventually, their incessant whining and taking life for granted gets on my nerves too much, and I need to retreat.

So, this is what I desire for my future. Maybe it's just post-Germany excitement, but it's a reality of myself.

I want to live in Germany for at least a year when I'm done. Not sure if/how that would be accomplished, but it's always possible.

I want to wait until my mid-thirties to get married/have kids.

I want to find a small, modest space that I can afford and call home.

I want to explore more of the world around me and see what it has to offer.

This is probably just a the-world-is-my-oyster approach of a soon to be 19-year-old, but at least I have something to work towards. I have goals, aspirations, a direction. I know what I want, and I'm going to work towards it unless I find something that could make me happier instead. Yes, I'll probably change my mind, but I can't go through life not committing to any dreams just because they might change. That would eliminate every ounce of hope from my life, and I don't plan on living life that way.

Look at what you did, Munich - you stole my heart and changed my dreams.

Suburbia

That bumper sticker you see there is one you'll find on a handful of cars in Lenexa. It's a very reasonable think to proclaim on your automobile. Lenexa's a good city. However, you won't see me sporting those eleven letters any time soon.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed growing up here. I always felt safe and comfortable, and I was able to go to good schools. I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful for my parents raising me in a good place. But since I've started going to school in Kansas City, it's made me dislike - even hate - Lenexa.

It seems like most people around here feel entitled. I think it's a rare occurrence for a person to go out of their way for someone else. They would rather keep to themselves and avoid any and all contact with another human being. And if someone doesn't get what they want, it's the end of the world. People in Johnson County are spoiled. Some know it, but most don't.

I enjoy living in a secure area with beautiful scenery as much as the next person, but it gets suffocating after eighteen years. I've only been home for break for two days, and I'm already anxious to go back to school. I'm tired of cookie-cutter houses and soccer moms. It's so boring, and it has nothing to offer. I can't grow as a person. What opportunities does surburbia offer? Money-making opportunities? That's not what I'm looking for. I want to change lives, not make money. I need to get out of here. I need to leave my mark elsewhere. The suburbs have given me everything they have to offer, and it's time for me to move on.

I think this is my call to go on an evangelization trip this summer.

The Problem with Dating Your Friends

You know how people always say you should date your best friend? Well, I agree. You already know what kind of person they are, so that would be much more likely to work out than a complete stranger. However, it's not that simple.

Scenario: You're with your best friend and the group of friends that you two normally hang out with. You start to see your friend in a different way - oh crap, you're attracted to them. You're okay with the idea, though, because you care about this person already. So you start to think of ways to approach the situation until you realize who else is around - your other friends. The people whose opinions you care about. You remember hearing them gripe about how annoying it was when two of the people in the group broke up. Suddenly, the idea of you and your best friend together is a bad idea. Why?

Because for some stupid reason, our friends - the people who should care about our happiness - are automatically assumed to be the judging type, and will hate us for dating a person you've cared for for a while. I can't even begin to explain how many times this has stopped me.

Why does it stop me? Because I know how some of my friends are. They would constantly tease me if I started dating one of my friends. One of my bigger worries is that they would think we don't "fit" together and make a weird couple. Worse yet, they would talk about how crazy I was if the relationship ended. Dating someone in your friend group sucks, or at least from my perspective.

So I must ask one more time, why? Why do I allow my friends to stop me from pursuing something because of things they haven't even done? Why do I not trust my friends to be happy for me? Why do I even care what they think? I mean, if they aren't okay with it, they don't have to keep hanging out with me. Am I the only one who feels this way? I don't think I am. There are billions of other people in the world.

Screw it. Date your best friend anyway.

Emotional

Today in my Christian lifestyles class, we were talking about guys being emotional. My teacher then proceeded to say something along the lines of "It's okay for guys to cry or be sad, even when people tell them not to be."

I didn't know emotional meant you cry at everything.

Here are the definitions for emotional on Dictionary.com:

1. pertaining to or involving emotion or the emotions.
2. subject to or easily affected by emotion: We are an emotional family, given to demonstrations of affection.
3. appealing to the emotions: an emotional request for contributions.
4. showing or revealing very strong emotions: an emotional scene in a play.
5. actuated, effected, or determined by emotion rather than reason: An emotional decision is often a wrong decision.
6. governed by emotion: He is in a highly emotional state of mind.

Do you see anything that mentions crying? No, of course not. Because emotion is more than crying. Emotion is joy, sorrow, anger, fright, love. People always say being emotional is being a bad thing. Really? Then what are we supposed to be? Emotionless?

Bad idea. I would rather feel everything than feel nothing at all. Because at least you know you're living. You learn nothing from nothing. But reflecting on how you feel in certain situations can help you grow as a person and develop different skills for different encounters. Telling someone being emotional is bad is like telling them to not be happy.

So don't be afraid of emotions. They are an inherent truth that you should not ignore. They help you express who you are.

Guys, be emotional. Please.

Mirror

Lately, I've been finding myself looking at the person in the mirror, and wondering, "How in the world did I become who I am at this very moment?"

It's just a small moment of awe.

And it's okay, because I like who I am.

My Heart

I've decided I want someone to fall in love with my heart.

That sounds a little pretentious. But it's true.

The Old

Like I've mentioned before, I'm an incredibly nostalgic person. So nostalgic, that I enjoy looking at my old Xanga and MySpace to see where I was in 5th-8th grades. So here's the last blog post I put on my Xanga. I wanted to share it:

"Recently, I have figured out what I would like to do with my life. I want to make a difference in the world whether it's big or small. Just make a difference. That's all I ask for. I am determined to become well known for good things, not bad. I am determined to become someone. I may [not] be the most athletic, prettiest, happiest, coolest, popular, funniest, friendliest, richest girl, but that doesn't matter. I'm not going to change who I am to become something I'm not. I'm just a normal fourteen-year-old, surburban, Catholic girl who's just trying to make it through life. I may not have the whitest smile or the smoothest hair or the skinniest body, but do I really need that and more to be someone important? Why do we need to raise MONEY to make people HAPPY when we could just raise HAPPINESS itself? If everyone was more open to diversity, then maybe this world wouldn't be so full of hate. Maybe if we all gave a smile to that person walking down the street by themself, we could all change someone's life or at least just brighten their day. Maybe if we all stopped FIGHTING each other for the top, but instead HELPED each other to the top, then maybe we could have more peace. Why do we try so hard to change who we are when there are already people who love us the way we started out?

We all have friend[s] and family that care about us. Nobody should throw that away because that is one very special gift that you can't always get back. I personally think I HAVE THE GREATEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD. Without them, I don't know what I would do. They can make me smile, even when I feel like I shouldn't even be here. Now, when I see one of my friends in trouble or hurt, I will be there for them always. And I hope all of my friends reading this will know I AM ALWAYS HERE TO LISTEN AND OFFER ANY HELP I CAN. I think I give crappy advice, even though I've been told otherwise, but I am a great listener. I'm a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on for anyone in need.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this:

I am determined to raise happiness for people instead of money. I am determined to be somebody. I am determined to make it big. I am determined to live life to the fullest the best I can.

This is my biggest goal in life."

I posted this on April 22, 2007. Today is November 22, 2010. 3 years and 7 months later, and this is still true. The context of it is different, but ever since I wrote that post, that's what I have been striving to do.

I still have the greatest friends in the world.

I still am always here for people if they ever need anything.

I still want to help as many people as I possibly can.

I still want to make a difference in the world.

And I'm slowly doing that. It's not that I'm trying to be full of myself. It's just true, and it's unfair to myself and the people around me to deny. All it takes is just filling your heart with love, and trusting in your purpose on Earth. Being the Jesus freak I am, I am confident that God put me where I am for a specific reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I know He wants me to love the people I have gotten to know during senior year because there are not enough people who realize that they are loved.

We can all do this. We just need to encourage each other, and start opening our hearts to the people we see every day. It only takes a small flame to light an entire world of candles.

So when are you going to start changing the world?