Dear Jake,

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I feel this way about you. But the truth of the situation is that I'm in love with you. When we were in D.C., I promised myself I wouldn't get any silly crush on any of the guys from your team. Well, I kept that promise to myself - it just didn't hold true for after the trip. I wish I would have talked to you so much more during that trip, but I'm so thankful that we started texting each other the last day we were both in D.C.

You're the kind of guy I hoped to meet, but never expected to.

You helped me realize what I'm looking for in a guy. You set the bar for all guys I meet (and it's a very high bar).

You're willing to go to the ends of the earth for your friends.

You are confident in who you are and that rubs off on me, especially since you never fail to encourage me to stick to what I believe.

I've never heard you criticize anything about myself (of course, excluding the number of movies I haven't seen).

You always respect girls and never objectify them, and you make me feel like I am more than what my body looks like.

You're a constant reminder of why I love being myself, and not many other people give me that reminder.

I can talk to you any time about anything. Even when I call you late at night to vent to you about my intolerance of some people, you patiently listen and always reassure me that everything's okay.

You always remember to enjoy the small things in life, and you never forget to laugh, even if it's at yourself.

You have big dreams for yourself, and you aren't afraid to chase them - in fact, you're going after them each day.

You always at least text me on a holiday just to say "hi."

You push me to try new things, whether it's a new movie or new music.

You always encourage me to go for what I want.

I don't think it's normal for me to meet someone on a trip and continually talk to them - usually we only keep in touch for a couple of weeks, and then we never talk again. But even though we live in completely separate parts of the country, you're still an active part of my life. When I look at our Facebook chat, it has over 3000 previous messages to load. Who knows how much we've texted, Skyped, or talked to each other on the phone, either. But out of all of the things that I've told you or talked to you about, this is the one thing that I'm afraid to tell you.

Everyone I've talked to has told me to tell you how I feel, but I don't think the time is right. You're getting ready for college; I know how stressful that is. I don't want to distract you from all of that - it's a big decision to make, and I want you to enjoy your senior year as much as you can anyway. It's not that I'd think it would be a burden to tell you, but there's nothing either of us can do about it at this point. It would be like putting a blank canvas in front of an artist, but not giving them any paint to put on it. Aside from all of that, though, I'm afraid you won't feel the same way. I thought you did in D.C. at one point. Whether or not I was right about that, I have no idea. At this point, all I can do is hope that you feel the same way. I know the only way I can find out is if I tell you. But what will we do if we both feel the same way?

I've heard numerous times that people can make long distance relationships work, and if it's meant to be, then the people will find a way to make it work out. I feel - or at least hope - that that could be us. We could beat the odds set against us. Despite the distance and the different paths we're taking in our lives, I think we could make it. I'd be willing to wait for you. There are so many other guys that I'd like to wait for, but I know it'd be fruitless in the end. You, however, are different. You're one of the best guys I have met, and one of the dearest friends I've ever had. You are also one of the few people who have ever told me they care about my happiness. The moment I received that text from you with those words was when I knew I was sold on you.

The bottom line, though, is that even if this doesn't work out, I know we'll be friends for a very long time. I know I can always count on you to have my back, and I pray that I have shown you the same loyalty that you've shown me. So even if you end up not being the "one" for me, I know that I'll be able to still call you my best friend. Thank you for loving me who I am, for being there for me when I've needed you, and trusting me enough to confide in me every once in a while. You're helping me become a better version of myself, and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully thank you for that.

For now, thank you.

Michelle

Manners

Sometimes, I think people forget how valuable manners can be. Even more often, I don't think people realize how much I value manners. Seriously. I think if someone asked me to punch someone in the face and said "please," I'd be much more inclined to do it.

Seriously, how much extra effort does it take to tack on a "thank you" or a "please" at the end of your sentences? It can even be mindless! It doesn't require sincerity (although that is a bonus). And it's just a nice thing to do for everyone. Using your manners makes the other person feel good and makes you not look like a huge, grouchy jerk.

I know we're used to getting what we want in this day and age, but that doesn't make it acceptable to be ungrateful or impolite. For example, I tend to be the one who drives myself and my friends around when we go shopping. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy driving and spending time with my friends. However, at the end of our shopping excursion when we had gotten back, they left my car, ran inside to get out of the cold weather, and didn't utter a single "thank you" my way. I had driven quite a bit, too, so I had spent half of the gas I had just bought. That wouldn't matter to me at all if they had just thanked me for driving.

I enjoy doing nice things for people - it's part of who I am. And as long as the people I'm helping say two simple words to me, I won't expect to be payed back or receive anything in return. I drove my friends thirty minutes to a record store that we spent maybe another thirty minutes in, before turning around and driving back home. That's a lot of gas for such a short trip, but they wanted to go, and I wanted to hang out with them. When we got in the car and began the thirty-minute drive back home, they thanked me for driving them out there. That was all I wanted from them. I wasn't even going to ask them for a couple dollars to cover the gas I had spent (even though my friend gave me some anyway).

Manners really make that much of a difference to me. Whatever insane guy dates me better be well-mannered, or I'm giving him a lesson or two on what words should be coming out of his mouth. He won't have to hold the door, get my coat, or even pay for dinner if I hear him saying "please" and "thank you." It's three syllables that you add to your daily vocabulary - it doesn't take much energy, you already know how to say the words, you already know what they mean, you already know how to use them. Just. Use. Them.

"Please" and "thank you" go a lot farther than you think.

Anxious and Impatient

I recently returned from a nine-day trip to Germany and Austria. It was one of the most amazing trips I have ever taken. The timing of the trip was perfect, too.

I previously mentioned how I had been itching to go somewhere - to explore. I just wanted to get away from Lenexa. Germany and Austria are definitely away. Now that I'm back, though, I'm even more unsatisfied with where I am. I got a taste of something different. I liked the taste, and now I want more.

First of all, Germany is gorgeous. The Alps provide a scenic background when the fog around them clears, and driving from city to city on the Autobahn isn't an eyesore. The cities themselves are even enjoyable to look at. The architecture of the buildings is very appealing to the eyes and doesn't have the stale, cookie-cutter look to it. Not to mention the breath-taking design of the cathedrals and churches: Baroque, Gothic, Romanesque, to name a few styles. Apart from the buildings, everything just feels cleaner in general. Munich is one of the cleanest cities I have seen. I never saw piles of litter, the air felt fresh, and it just seemed much more youthful and alive. Santa Monica used to be my favorite city, but Munich took it's place within a few hours of my arrival.

I think what's so enticing about Munich is how small it feels, despite it's population of over 1.3 million. We were able to walk everywhere that we needed to go, only taking the subway occasionally. I got to actually see and experience the city and be submerged into it rather than watching it all whiz by through a car window. My parents disliked the hotel room we had, but I loved it. the entire room was slightly bigger than my bedroom, but it was big enough for three people. How awesome is that? I think I'm someone who needs a smaller living space. I have too much room and no clue what to do with it. I'd say about 80 percent of the things in my room I touch, at most, once a year. I have this excess of possessions - this clutter.

I find it interesting that I'm drawn to a smaller personal living space, considering that I hate small towns. Maybe I enjoy the simplicity of my own personal space, while at the same time I want to have the ability to plunge myself into something bigger. It's like accessing a bigger world through a small door.

This has also made me begin to re-think my desire for a family. This might be my irrational fear of commitment, but I highly value my independence. I enjoy coming home when my family is all out and being able to have time and space to myself. If I had a family - even just a husband - finding that space would take more effort. Sure, it's lazy, but it's also what makes me happy. Even though Katharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers pegged me as 89% extroverted, I can only be around people for so long. Eventually, their incessant whining and taking life for granted gets on my nerves too much, and I need to retreat.

So, this is what I desire for my future. Maybe it's just post-Germany excitement, but it's a reality of myself.

I want to live in Germany for at least a year when I'm done. Not sure if/how that would be accomplished, but it's always possible.

I want to wait until my mid-thirties to get married/have kids.

I want to find a small, modest space that I can afford and call home.

I want to explore more of the world around me and see what it has to offer.

This is probably just a the-world-is-my-oyster approach of a soon to be 19-year-old, but at least I have something to work towards. I have goals, aspirations, a direction. I know what I want, and I'm going to work towards it unless I find something that could make me happier instead. Yes, I'll probably change my mind, but I can't go through life not committing to any dreams just because they might change. That would eliminate every ounce of hope from my life, and I don't plan on living life that way.

Look at what you did, Munich - you stole my heart and changed my dreams.

Suburbia

That bumper sticker you see there is one you'll find on a handful of cars in Lenexa. It's a very reasonable think to proclaim on your automobile. Lenexa's a good city. However, you won't see me sporting those eleven letters any time soon.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed growing up here. I always felt safe and comfortable, and I was able to go to good schools. I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful for my parents raising me in a good place. But since I've started going to school in Kansas City, it's made me dislike - even hate - Lenexa.

It seems like most people around here feel entitled. I think it's a rare occurrence for a person to go out of their way for someone else. They would rather keep to themselves and avoid any and all contact with another human being. And if someone doesn't get what they want, it's the end of the world. People in Johnson County are spoiled. Some know it, but most don't.

I enjoy living in a secure area with beautiful scenery as much as the next person, but it gets suffocating after eighteen years. I've only been home for break for two days, and I'm already anxious to go back to school. I'm tired of cookie-cutter houses and soccer moms. It's so boring, and it has nothing to offer. I can't grow as a person. What opportunities does surburbia offer? Money-making opportunities? That's not what I'm looking for. I want to change lives, not make money. I need to get out of here. I need to leave my mark elsewhere. The suburbs have given me everything they have to offer, and it's time for me to move on.

I think this is my call to go on an evangelization trip this summer.

The Problem with Dating Your Friends

You know how people always say you should date your best friend? Well, I agree. You already know what kind of person they are, so that would be much more likely to work out than a complete stranger. However, it's not that simple.

Scenario: You're with your best friend and the group of friends that you two normally hang out with. You start to see your friend in a different way - oh crap, you're attracted to them. You're okay with the idea, though, because you care about this person already. So you start to think of ways to approach the situation until you realize who else is around - your other friends. The people whose opinions you care about. You remember hearing them gripe about how annoying it was when two of the people in the group broke up. Suddenly, the idea of you and your best friend together is a bad idea. Why?

Because for some stupid reason, our friends - the people who should care about our happiness - are automatically assumed to be the judging type, and will hate us for dating a person you've cared for for a while. I can't even begin to explain how many times this has stopped me.

Why does it stop me? Because I know how some of my friends are. They would constantly tease me if I started dating one of my friends. One of my bigger worries is that they would think we don't "fit" together and make a weird couple. Worse yet, they would talk about how crazy I was if the relationship ended. Dating someone in your friend group sucks, or at least from my perspective.

So I must ask one more time, why? Why do I allow my friends to stop me from pursuing something because of things they haven't even done? Why do I not trust my friends to be happy for me? Why do I even care what they think? I mean, if they aren't okay with it, they don't have to keep hanging out with me. Am I the only one who feels this way? I don't think I am. There are billions of other people in the world.

Screw it. Date your best friend anyway.

Emotional

Today in my Christian lifestyles class, we were talking about guys being emotional. My teacher then proceeded to say something along the lines of "It's okay for guys to cry or be sad, even when people tell them not to be."

I didn't know emotional meant you cry at everything.

Here are the definitions for emotional on Dictionary.com:

1. pertaining to or involving emotion or the emotions.
2. subject to or easily affected by emotion: We are an emotional family, given to demonstrations of affection.
3. appealing to the emotions: an emotional request for contributions.
4. showing or revealing very strong emotions: an emotional scene in a play.
5. actuated, effected, or determined by emotion rather than reason: An emotional decision is often a wrong decision.
6. governed by emotion: He is in a highly emotional state of mind.

Do you see anything that mentions crying? No, of course not. Because emotion is more than crying. Emotion is joy, sorrow, anger, fright, love. People always say being emotional is being a bad thing. Really? Then what are we supposed to be? Emotionless?

Bad idea. I would rather feel everything than feel nothing at all. Because at least you know you're living. You learn nothing from nothing. But reflecting on how you feel in certain situations can help you grow as a person and develop different skills for different encounters. Telling someone being emotional is bad is like telling them to not be happy.

So don't be afraid of emotions. They are an inherent truth that you should not ignore. They help you express who you are.

Guys, be emotional. Please.

Mirror

Lately, I've been finding myself looking at the person in the mirror, and wondering, "How in the world did I become who I am at this very moment?"

It's just a small moment of awe.

And it's okay, because I like who I am.