People

One thing I've always said over and over is that I love people. It's true. At times, they really frustrate me (including myself), but in the end people are just...incredible.

This last week, I was in the 'I-hate-people' mood. I'm just so tired of people gossipping about each other and saying horrible things about people who I'm friends with. I know I do it too, but I still wish it would just go away. Why do people think they have the right to question why I'm friends with someone? It's my choice. I was losing faith in people, and that was very depressing. I've said this before, but how do I know that I can trust my friends when I hear them talking behind other people's backs. But even with that doubt in my head, it's occasionally confirmed when a friend tells me they heard someone complaining about me or some other random crap. I also felt like I was only a tool for my debate partner's success when he told me he doesn't care who he goes to state with, he only wants to go to state. Yes, it hurt a lot. No one enjoys being used, or even being told that they're being used. I've gotten over it - I had to so it wouldn't interfere with the tournament this last weekend - but it still affects me. Is that all people see in me? I can be used? I pray that it's more than that.

Now, today restored my faith in people. First, my niece reminds me of how much I love life. Second, the family I have at Lifeteen never fails me. Good talks, jokes, and simple time spent with each other - it's all part of the package. We had adoration tonight, and it was amazing. I haven't smiled like that in a while.

One small little note, I can go to the retreat that they're having in January, AND I can go to state. No more conflict.

Anyway, the person who always reminds me of the good in people would be Stacy. This is what she wrote on my wall about an hour and a half ago:

"random thought i just had: we're going to be friends for a long time. like,
when i'm 57 and you're 46, we'll still be friends....hahahhahahaha...i can't
wait to see what we're like then.."

It's people like her that remind me how valuable I am as a person, whether she tells me to my face or not. She is definitely one of the best friends I have in my life. We all need a person like Stacy in our lives. She listens, she cares, she loves. She has caught me so many times when I've fallen. She's sacrificed a lot to help me reach the point that I'm at right now, and I won't ever be able to thank her enough.

Stacy, if you read this...well, I think you know.

Doors

Here's a random thought:

You can never escape from doors.

Okay, here's what I mean. Even when you feel like the world has never been darker, even when you feel like you are beyond repair, even when you think you're totally alone, and even when it seems like you've reached a dead end and there's no turning around, there is always another door to step through. No one is beyond help until they aren't living anymore. There is always a chance for you to get off the path you're going down, and there's even a chance for you to turn around and face all of the mistakes you have opened up in your life. Like the cheesy motivational poster in my American history teacher's room says, someone can open a door for you, but you gotta walk through it yourself. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it seems impossible, but it isn't. You can always get through it. It may take an incredibly long time, but you can always get through the doors presented to you. It may seem dark on the other side, but once you make it through, it's worth it. You always have a chance.

So, what doors are opened to you right now?

Gifts

So, here's something else that bothers me.

When people refuse to acknowledge that they have a gift.

We all have our own individual gifts and talents. So why can't people realize that? There is a reason why we are not like each other. It doesn't matter if you think you 'suck' at something. You can be good at anything- it's just a matter of finding in what way you're good at that thing. And why do you have to be the best at it? No one is ever the best. There's always a way to improve, or someone finds another angle to approach something.

These are the three excuses I hear from people the most:

1: It's not me, it's God.

2: I'm not that good.

3: You're better.

Okay, here's what I think:

1: Yes, we are instruments for God, but at the same time we have free will so we decide what we do. We have gifts from God, but He doesn't make us do anything, thus, free will.

2: Yes, you are that good. Stop humbling your talent! If people constantly compliment you on something you do, quit being humble and acknowledge your talent. It is something to be proud of, and you should be like, 'Yeah, I am pretty darn good at this!' But do not forget that you are not better than anyone else.

3: NO! I am NOT better, nor am I lesser than you.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Why does it matter if something has something you don't? You will never be that person, so stop trying to be them and just learn to be comfortable with being yourself.

Life is not a competition. I'm sick of people trying to beat each other in things that can never be 'won'. Such as, who has it worse? Everyone goes through different problems, some big and some small. But that doesn't make any problem less important. If something is bothering you, then it's important. It doesn't matter how 'small' it is. If you're unhappy, that's a problem and people should help you work through it rather than making you feel guilty for being human and having the emotion of sadness. You deserve to feel sad or upset if something is bothering you.

Stop competing.

Honesty

I know what I want to study in college. You know that point you reach where you're considering several things that are all very appealing, but you know you have to pick only one? That's the road I've been on for a while, and God was up in my face about which one I should choose. And it's a field in psychology.

There are so many stigmas that go with that field though. Why are people so afraid to be honest about things they're going through, whether it's therapy, medication, or just being in a really good spot? I mean, what do you hear when you ask someone how they are? 'Good.'

Come on! Are you having a terrific day where you feel like sunshine is glowing out your butt or are you dealing with something shitty and you really want someone to listen? People aren't honest enough with each other! But I know some people who are.

My friend Jon has been very honest with me. He has called me when he has felt like he's trapped in a hole. Last Friday he called me very upset while I was up at school, and it sounded like he was planning on killing himself. I am so proud of him for calling me. I understood what he was feeling like, and I refused to take it lightly. I went to the SRO at my school, and he helped me decide what to do about the situation. I ended up going to the police over where I live (The school is in another jurisdiction.) and they took care of everything. An officer called me later and told me it was a good thing that I had said something because Jon seemed pretty serious about hurting himself. It was that small bit of honesty that has kept him alive.

Honesty is not a bad thing, but people are so afraid of it. Maybe it's because people are brutally honest, and honesty needs to be accompanied with gentleness.

I recently watched a documentary called 'Boy Interrupted'. A 15-year-old boy named Evan Perry killed himself in 2005, and his parents made a documentary about it. I've never seen or heard a more honest story about suicide.

We need to look out for one another, and we need truth to do that.

I want to help people become comfortable with the truth.

The General Answer

I've noticed something about people. I mean, I notice stuff because I'm a creepy people watcher, but this was interesting. When someone is asked a question that's directed at them, and usually includes the pronoun 'you', people answer in a general way instead of answering the question for themselves. Example:

Q: Why are you afraid to be who you are?

A: I think we're afraid to be who we are because we're insecure.

That's the kind of answer I hear a lot. At youth group, everyone talks about not giving a church answer. Well what about not giving a general answer? People need to answer honestly. Don't worry about offending people. If it's not what people expect, then so be it. Do you really want to be predictable? I think with predictability comes lying occasionally. We need to start answering questions with how we really feel, not what we think will fit into the idea of the right answer.

What do you really think?

Own It

Listen, no one can fix your problems except you. People can tell you what to do, where to go, who to talk to, and a million other things, but in the end, you're the only one who can decide what you do. No one can make you do anything. If you want your life to be better, then take the initiative that only you can take to make it better. It's not anyone else's job to take that initiative. They can't, and it's not fair to ask them to do that. People are not there to be tools used to mend your broken self. They're there to help you keep all the pieces in one place. Only you can put them back together. Only. You.

Own your life, because you can't sell it to anyone. Period.

Sentimentality

I feel like people are sometimes too sentimental. People for some reason feel the need to capture every second of their lives on film so they can remember it forever. Photos become priceless, souvenirs become revered. I just got home from a two week vacation with my family, and I took the least amount of pictures I've ever taken on a vacation. I figure, why worry about getting a picture of everything I see? There's plenty of pictures I would miss. I've begun to value memories over photographs. People are so upset when pictures are destroyed, but what they don't realize is they still have the memories that the picture was telling. I'm going to try to stop finding sentimental value in everything I come across. I'm too much of a pack rat, and I need to learn to let go.

On a second note, parents and technology that is familiar with my generation are really interesting when they interact. My mom has recently become addicted to Facebook, and she makes a big deal out of it. In fact, she was mad that I didn't want to be her friend on Facebook. It's a website! Get over it! People take the Internet way too seriously. Chill out, you're just looking at a bunch of pixels that people use to hide their insecurities.

One last note, I've finally realized that I am changing lives. I don't mean I'm just making people feel better about themselves. I mean, I've helped people start over. I've been carrying around a journal with me since January for anyone and everyone to write in. I had a couple of people from a table next to us in Los Angeles at breakfast write in it, and this is what the first guy, Bobby, wrote:

'In recent months I have become more and more of the person that I swore to
myself I would never become. I feel as if sorrow and depression are self
inflicted & this I've done to myself. In this book, I am starting anew.
Becoming the person I truly am; therefore, not quite becoming at all. I am just
letting go of everything I am not & leaving it on this page. I wish to
pursue a new life - happy and humble - in which I wake each day with eagerness
for the following hours. Thank you...whoever you are. This book has set me
free.'

I helped him out in a way I never imagined possible. I helped a total stranger who I had never met before in my life who is three years older than me. What's even more amazing, is anyone could have done this. But it was me.

Am I supposed to be something more?