My Heart

I've decided I want someone to fall in love with my heart.

That sounds a little pretentious. But it's true.

The Old

Like I've mentioned before, I'm an incredibly nostalgic person. So nostalgic, that I enjoy looking at my old Xanga and MySpace to see where I was in 5th-8th grades. So here's the last blog post I put on my Xanga. I wanted to share it:

"Recently, I have figured out what I would like to do with my life. I want to make a difference in the world whether it's big or small. Just make a difference. That's all I ask for. I am determined to become well known for good things, not bad. I am determined to become someone. I may [not] be the most athletic, prettiest, happiest, coolest, popular, funniest, friendliest, richest girl, but that doesn't matter. I'm not going to change who I am to become something I'm not. I'm just a normal fourteen-year-old, surburban, Catholic girl who's just trying to make it through life. I may not have the whitest smile or the smoothest hair or the skinniest body, but do I really need that and more to be someone important? Why do we need to raise MONEY to make people HAPPY when we could just raise HAPPINESS itself? If everyone was more open to diversity, then maybe this world wouldn't be so full of hate. Maybe if we all gave a smile to that person walking down the street by themself, we could all change someone's life or at least just brighten their day. Maybe if we all stopped FIGHTING each other for the top, but instead HELPED each other to the top, then maybe we could have more peace. Why do we try so hard to change who we are when there are already people who love us the way we started out?

We all have friend[s] and family that care about us. Nobody should throw that away because that is one very special gift that you can't always get back. I personally think I HAVE THE GREATEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD. Without them, I don't know what I would do. They can make me smile, even when I feel like I shouldn't even be here. Now, when I see one of my friends in trouble or hurt, I will be there for them always. And I hope all of my friends reading this will know I AM ALWAYS HERE TO LISTEN AND OFFER ANY HELP I CAN. I think I give crappy advice, even though I've been told otherwise, but I am a great listener. I'm a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on for anyone in need.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this:

I am determined to raise happiness for people instead of money. I am determined to be somebody. I am determined to make it big. I am determined to live life to the fullest the best I can.

This is my biggest goal in life."

I posted this on April 22, 2007. Today is November 22, 2010. 3 years and 7 months later, and this is still true. The context of it is different, but ever since I wrote that post, that's what I have been striving to do.

I still have the greatest friends in the world.

I still am always here for people if they ever need anything.

I still want to help as many people as I possibly can.

I still want to make a difference in the world.

And I'm slowly doing that. It's not that I'm trying to be full of myself. It's just true, and it's unfair to myself and the people around me to deny. All it takes is just filling your heart with love, and trusting in your purpose on Earth. Being the Jesus freak I am, I am confident that God put me where I am for a specific reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I know He wants me to love the people I have gotten to know during senior year because there are not enough people who realize that they are loved.

We can all do this. We just need to encourage each other, and start opening our hearts to the people we see every day. It only takes a small flame to light an entire world of candles.

So when are you going to start changing the world?

Bliss

I had a moment of bliss tonight.

I was driving home, after talking with my friend, Bridget, for 40 minutes. It was a good talk to. One of those talks you walk away from, knowing that it was good. Today was the lowest the temperature has been in a month or so. So, I rolled down the window to let the wonderful fresh air into my car. Along with the wonderful breeze, the sweet scent of the Wonder Bread factory around where I live crawled into my car.

I mean, what's better than the cool night air, the sweet smell of bread, and some nice music playing while you're driving home? It was a moment of pure bliss. I was completely happy for that second. It was wonderful.

Enjoy those small moments in life. They're incredible.

Flipped

So about 3-4 months ago, I was unable to open up to my mom and share my faith with her. I would always go to my friends and share whatever awesome faith thing that happened to me. Then tonight happened.

I was discussing a question with my friend, Connor, that had been asked at youth group the week I wasn't there. We start talking, and then other people want to know what we're talking about. So I reply, "Youth group, you guys won't care."

Instead of a no-we-actually-do-care response (Which I foolishly hoped for.) or a oh-okay-we'll-just-let-you-carry-on-then response, I have people who I thought I could open up to scoffing at me and making snide little comments. The person who I have called my best friend since 3rd grade was among those people.

Suddenly, I realized that these people do not love me for who I am. If I can't share something, such as my faith, with them without fear of being ridiculed, then what kind of relationships do I have with these people? Am I going to be able to rely on them while my grammy makes one of the toughest decisions in her life? Will they be there for me when some other shit hits the fan, and I need someone who will just be there and love me as a person? I mean, what are these "friendships" based on? Jokes about sex, making fun of other people, and bad-mouthing people who we act friendly towards when we're around them?

These shallow relationships are not what I want, nor need, in my life. Why are they so afraid to have a conversation that's deeper than, "I want to make out with you, haha, not really, oh my god, you're fat."?

Why is it that suddenly my mom's heart has opened up while the hearts of the people I surround myself with have suddenly closed?

Dear "friends", stop being fake to my face, and kill this relationship we have if you truly do not want it.

Kindness

Kindness is a great thing, right? That's what most people would think. If that's the case, then why are so many people suspicious of kindness they receive? It's like we can't trust nice people's compliments, but we can trust cruel people's insults. Does that seem right to you? Why is it so easy for us to believe something bad that someone tells us about ourselves (That very well might not be true.) yet we have trouble accepting the good about ourselves that someone reveals to us?

I compliment my friend, telling her she looked pretty in prom pictures. She thinks I went out of my way to say that to her, and feels like I was trying too hard to be nice. Here's the thing - her and I have suddenly stopped talking. So I felt like it gave me a way to talk to her again. Excuse me for just trying to be sincere. Kindness shouldn't be doubted. I figure if they're being nice, accept it. So what if they might be faking it? At least you know they have the courtesy to not be a jerk to your face.

Stop questioning the good things in life. Seriously.

Words

Here's a small note for anyone and everyone:

Never tell someone they could try harder with the way they look.

Seriously, I know words say everything (Literally.), but also be wary of which ones you use and how you use them. Before you know it, four, small words can turn into a mountain of harm toward another person.

People say they aren't hurt by words, but words leave the deeper scars sometimes.

People

One thing I've always said over and over is that I love people. It's true. At times, they really frustrate me (including myself), but in the end people are just...incredible.

This last week, I was in the 'I-hate-people' mood. I'm just so tired of people gossipping about each other and saying horrible things about people who I'm friends with. I know I do it too, but I still wish it would just go away. Why do people think they have the right to question why I'm friends with someone? It's my choice. I was losing faith in people, and that was very depressing. I've said this before, but how do I know that I can trust my friends when I hear them talking behind other people's backs. But even with that doubt in my head, it's occasionally confirmed when a friend tells me they heard someone complaining about me or some other random crap. I also felt like I was only a tool for my debate partner's success when he told me he doesn't care who he goes to state with, he only wants to go to state. Yes, it hurt a lot. No one enjoys being used, or even being told that they're being used. I've gotten over it - I had to so it wouldn't interfere with the tournament this last weekend - but it still affects me. Is that all people see in me? I can be used? I pray that it's more than that.

Now, today restored my faith in people. First, my niece reminds me of how much I love life. Second, the family I have at Lifeteen never fails me. Good talks, jokes, and simple time spent with each other - it's all part of the package. We had adoration tonight, and it was amazing. I haven't smiled like that in a while.

One small little note, I can go to the retreat that they're having in January, AND I can go to state. No more conflict.

Anyway, the person who always reminds me of the good in people would be Stacy. This is what she wrote on my wall about an hour and a half ago:

"random thought i just had: we're going to be friends for a long time. like,
when i'm 57 and you're 46, we'll still be friends....hahahhahahaha...i can't
wait to see what we're like then.."

It's people like her that remind me how valuable I am as a person, whether she tells me to my face or not. She is definitely one of the best friends I have in my life. We all need a person like Stacy in our lives. She listens, she cares, she loves. She has caught me so many times when I've fallen. She's sacrificed a lot to help me reach the point that I'm at right now, and I won't ever be able to thank her enough.

Stacy, if you read this...well, I think you know.