Recently I've been struggling with some heavy depression. It's been lingering for several months now, but only recently it has gotten worse. The recent transition I've taken is towards apathy - I simply don't care anymore. Along with this transitioning of moods, I've consistently struggled with thoughts of suicide. It was recommended by my counselor that I begin taking an antidepressant, something I've opposed doing for myself for quite some time. I've been down the depression road before, but this time it's different. Since it's different this time, I'm trying to react differently. I'm trying to make sure I don't isolate myself; I keep reaching out to friends.
Saturday night after my counseling appointment, I was hanging out with some friends and talking to my friend Katie about everything that had been going on. My friend Jordan sat down and asked what we were talking about. He was a little on the inebriated side, but he was still coherent. I summed it up by saying I didn't care about anything anymore and I wanted to kill myself. He got this frustrated look on his face and asked why I wanted to kill myself. I told him one reason was because I haven't spoken to my family since Thanksgiving, so I feel isolated and alone. He sat there for a second and started tearing up. I've seen him get emotional before, but I've never seen a look of pain like that on his face. He looked up at me and said:
"Why do you need your family? Friends are the family of the 21st century."
He didn't say it, but he was telling me how much he and all of our other friends love me. He didn't want me to hurt myself. It hurt him to see me in so much pain.
His words could not be any truer for me. Throughout most of my life, I have never felt like I can reach out to my family. It's a complicated situation, but it's a reality. I've always turned to my friends when I've needed someone.
Last night was an all-time low. I was on the brink of hurting myself. I reached out because I knew people would be upset if I hadn't. My friend, Erika, told me to come to her house. I talked to Stacy after I was there, and told her what was happening. She was so scared, and I felt so bad for putting her through that. She asked to talk to Erika, and I guess asked Erika to not let me leave last night. She later texted me saying how much she cared about me and couldn't think about losing me. She told me I mean more to her than I know. I also talked to a girl from my church who's in a similar situation. She told me she thinks even if we were to kill ourselves, we'd still have to deal with our crap, just in a different way. She encouraged me to get help.
I decided last night that I'm going to see a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants. I'm doing this for Stacy, because I love her. I don't like worrying her this much, and I know she wants me to get better. I would rather be making this decision for myself, but I unfortunately don't care enough. So I'm holding on to the only motivation I can find at this point. I'm holding on as tight as I can.
The amount of love I have felt in the past 24 hours is overwhelming. I've reached out to the people I went on Kairos with, and they are showering me with love. Two years later, and that family still has my back. Erika has opened her home to me as a place for me to feel safe. My friends from church are always willing to listen and offer to spend time with me if I need a friend. My friends outside of school are also ready to help me have fun for a bit and forget about my problems for even a small moment.
Even if I feel like I don't have my immediate family backing me up, I have many more friends from all areas of my life who are ready to help if I call on them. Even though I've lost hope in myself, no one else has. Even though my life gets dark sometimes, they bring light into it.
I am thankful for my family.
