Beauty

I've written about two things in this blog before: my friend, Stacy, and experiencing moments of bliss.

Tonight, both of those things were multiplied by at least ten in how great they are.

It began with my nails. Stacy has always admired my nail-painting abilities, so I always love to share my newest creations with her. Our conversation transitioned through boys, to friendships, to the most epic metaphor about bread that I have ever spit out, to sharing our lives with others, and a multitude of other things before culminating in this comment about a song she found while at a short film festival:

"well, i have to start by saying that it's so frustrating
to try and put into words
how strongly and intensely you can feel something
like, it was just beauty
the film coupled with this song
i just remember sitting there, feeling totally immersed in something
and i was so at peace
and thinking 'this is perfect'" 

This is the song she was talking about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjjc59FgUpg

I knew exactly what kind of moment she was talking about. That moment where you are experiencing so much beauty all at once that you aren't sure how you're going to react. The kind of beauty that fills your heart with every emotion imaginable. The kind of beauty that exists completely outside of yourself. The kind of beauty that you can't put into words or capture in a picture. It's a beauty that you experience in a moment. It's a personal beauty.

The last time I had felt this was when I went to see Robert Bly at a poetry reading on campus. He was accompanied by a sitarist. I had never heard a sitar in person before, but I was always intrigued by it. That poetry reading struck me so much more than I could have ever anticipated. Here was this old, frail poet reading parts of himself that he has allowed to be shared with complete strangers, most of whom he'll never meet, all while he was breathing in the steady notes of the sitar. He would even wait a moment before reading one of his poems, close his eyes, and tap his hand and foot to the music. He was so immersed in that moment. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever witnessed - it almost brought me to tears myself. I was so overwhelmed by the beauty I saw in that moment.

I was overwhelmed again tonight. By the end of my conversation with Stacy, I found myself experiencing a personal beauty. As I listened to the link she had sent me, I suddenly realized how lucky I am to have her as my friend. It was as though all the worries I've been carrying this past week didn't seem so heavy anymore. Even though we now live 1,543 miles apart from each other, she still has my back. She still walks with me through the good and bad I experience. I couldn't ask for a better friend in my life. I was flooded with the gorgeous melody from the song and the contentment I felt knowing I'm not alone in this world.

As I sit here now, I'm blown away by how much a YouTube video and a Facebook chat can affect me. I don't think everything previously written in the post fully describes what I mean. It's a powerful force. I've felt it before watching movies, such as The Grey, or, as silly as it sounds, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

In these moments, there is usually something that gets left behind, typically words that stick with me. This summer while I was volunteering with the youth ministry at my church, we began sharing artifacts - things from our lives that prove something happened. I like to think of those things sticking with me as artifacts. My artifact from tonight is the song I posted above. Here are the others:

That morning I heard water being poured into a teapot.
The sound was an ordinary, daily, cluffy sound.
But all at once, I knew you loved me.
An unheard-of thing, love audible in water falling.

These moments are real. I hope people don't deny them.

Childish Happiness

Something I've noticed recently about my roommates is how much they criticize me in the moments I'm excited about something. Recently I've been in high anticipation for new music, specifically Green Day and Mumford & Sons. Green Day is my favorite band of all time, and Mumford & Sons hasn't released anything new in several years. Naturally I'm going to be happy about their new albums. I thoroughly enjoy listening to music anyway. My roommates and friends, however, don't seem to understand this. My smiles or excited squeals are met with "You're weird," or "You have problems," or some variation of the two.

Since when is it weird or a problem to be happy?

Are we supposed to just be numb robots that don't enjoy any pleasure in life?

It feels almost as if they can't empathize with my happiness. I don't know what it is or why they do it, but I've made this decision as a result:

I'm going to be childishly happy about things I genuinely enjoy. I'm also going to childishly enjoy things that can be enjoyable.

Why should I put a stop to my own happiness just because someone else doesn't enjoy the same things I do? I always hear people complain about being bored or thinking something was stupid and a waste of their time. That could easily be fixed. My sophomore theology teacher always told me "You'll get out of something whatever you put into it." If you allow yourself to enjoy something, even if it is stupid, it won't be a waste of your time. I think if we laughed at more stupid jokes and stopped to watch the guy dancing maniacally in the street, we could start to enjoy life much more. If you approach life with an optimistic, positive attitude, the bad moments won't be as burdensome. If anything, you can laugh at them and move on.

When I started thinking that way, my life changed dramatically. Instead of wallowing in my own self-pity and personal problems, I started allowing myself to enjoy life.

It's not easy to do, though. It takes a lot of courage and constant kicks in the butt. I have to put aside my concern with what others think of me, especially since I know I can't control that to begin with. When I finally do that and step up to the plate, I enjoy life much more.

For example, I helped out at my friend's godmother's wedding this weekend. While I was there to help serve the guests drinks and food, I felt like it was unnecessary to maintain this stiff, ultra-professional demeanor throughout the entire night, especially since the bride herself was encouraging me and my friend to make sure we eat and enjoy ourselves. It was a laid back ceremony, so why would I interrupt that with apprehension about being myself around these people? I probably wouldn't see any of them again in my life anyway. So I did what I do best - enjoy what I have to work with. As with any wedding, there was music and dancing. I thoroughly enjoy dancing, so I decided to start dancing while I was working. The guests seemed entertained, and I was still doing my job. I even managed to make my way out to the dance floor for Kevin Rudolf's "Let It Rock" and danced my heart out. I believe my epic moves captivated the entire party for a few moments.

Of course I understand that there are moments where professionalism is required. I don't go dancing around the office when I'm working, and I'm not going to do cartwheels during a tour for a prospective student at school (mainly because I can't do a cartwheel to begin with). But there is always some way to slip a little bit of fun into any situation to make the most of it, whether it's striking up a conversation with the stranger behind you in line or busting out the worst dance moves in the world. I enjoy having fun. I'm a goofy person, and I value that quality in myself, so I want to share that with others.

It goes back to my personal motto: I just do what I do, and whatever that does...well then it's done.