People

One thing I've always said over and over is that I love people. It's true. At times, they really frustrate me (including myself), but in the end people are just...incredible.

This last week, I was in the 'I-hate-people' mood. I'm just so tired of people gossipping about each other and saying horrible things about people who I'm friends with. I know I do it too, but I still wish it would just go away. Why do people think they have the right to question why I'm friends with someone? It's my choice. I was losing faith in people, and that was very depressing. I've said this before, but how do I know that I can trust my friends when I hear them talking behind other people's backs. But even with that doubt in my head, it's occasionally confirmed when a friend tells me they heard someone complaining about me or some other random crap. I also felt like I was only a tool for my debate partner's success when he told me he doesn't care who he goes to state with, he only wants to go to state. Yes, it hurt a lot. No one enjoys being used, or even being told that they're being used. I've gotten over it - I had to so it wouldn't interfere with the tournament this last weekend - but it still affects me. Is that all people see in me? I can be used? I pray that it's more than that.

Now, today restored my faith in people. First, my niece reminds me of how much I love life. Second, the family I have at Lifeteen never fails me. Good talks, jokes, and simple time spent with each other - it's all part of the package. We had adoration tonight, and it was amazing. I haven't smiled like that in a while.

One small little note, I can go to the retreat that they're having in January, AND I can go to state. No more conflict.

Anyway, the person who always reminds me of the good in people would be Stacy. This is what she wrote on my wall about an hour and a half ago:

"random thought i just had: we're going to be friends for a long time. like,
when i'm 57 and you're 46, we'll still be friends....hahahhahahaha...i can't
wait to see what we're like then.."

It's people like her that remind me how valuable I am as a person, whether she tells me to my face or not. She is definitely one of the best friends I have in my life. We all need a person like Stacy in our lives. She listens, she cares, she loves. She has caught me so many times when I've fallen. She's sacrificed a lot to help me reach the point that I'm at right now, and I won't ever be able to thank her enough.

Stacy, if you read this...well, I think you know.

Doors

Here's a random thought:

You can never escape from doors.

Okay, here's what I mean. Even when you feel like the world has never been darker, even when you feel like you are beyond repair, even when you think you're totally alone, and even when it seems like you've reached a dead end and there's no turning around, there is always another door to step through. No one is beyond help until they aren't living anymore. There is always a chance for you to get off the path you're going down, and there's even a chance for you to turn around and face all of the mistakes you have opened up in your life. Like the cheesy motivational poster in my American history teacher's room says, someone can open a door for you, but you gotta walk through it yourself. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it seems impossible, but it isn't. You can always get through it. It may take an incredibly long time, but you can always get through the doors presented to you. It may seem dark on the other side, but once you make it through, it's worth it. You always have a chance.

So, what doors are opened to you right now?

Gifts

So, here's something else that bothers me.

When people refuse to acknowledge that they have a gift.

We all have our own individual gifts and talents. So why can't people realize that? There is a reason why we are not like each other. It doesn't matter if you think you 'suck' at something. You can be good at anything- it's just a matter of finding in what way you're good at that thing. And why do you have to be the best at it? No one is ever the best. There's always a way to improve, or someone finds another angle to approach something.

These are the three excuses I hear from people the most:

1: It's not me, it's God.

2: I'm not that good.

3: You're better.

Okay, here's what I think:

1: Yes, we are instruments for God, but at the same time we have free will so we decide what we do. We have gifts from God, but He doesn't make us do anything, thus, free will.

2: Yes, you are that good. Stop humbling your talent! If people constantly compliment you on something you do, quit being humble and acknowledge your talent. It is something to be proud of, and you should be like, 'Yeah, I am pretty darn good at this!' But do not forget that you are not better than anyone else.

3: NO! I am NOT better, nor am I lesser than you.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Why does it matter if something has something you don't? You will never be that person, so stop trying to be them and just learn to be comfortable with being yourself.

Life is not a competition. I'm sick of people trying to beat each other in things that can never be 'won'. Such as, who has it worse? Everyone goes through different problems, some big and some small. But that doesn't make any problem less important. If something is bothering you, then it's important. It doesn't matter how 'small' it is. If you're unhappy, that's a problem and people should help you work through it rather than making you feel guilty for being human and having the emotion of sadness. You deserve to feel sad or upset if something is bothering you.

Stop competing.

Honesty

I know what I want to study in college. You know that point you reach where you're considering several things that are all very appealing, but you know you have to pick only one? That's the road I've been on for a while, and God was up in my face about which one I should choose. And it's a field in psychology.

There are so many stigmas that go with that field though. Why are people so afraid to be honest about things they're going through, whether it's therapy, medication, or just being in a really good spot? I mean, what do you hear when you ask someone how they are? 'Good.'

Come on! Are you having a terrific day where you feel like sunshine is glowing out your butt or are you dealing with something shitty and you really want someone to listen? People aren't honest enough with each other! But I know some people who are.

My friend Jon has been very honest with me. He has called me when he has felt like he's trapped in a hole. Last Friday he called me very upset while I was up at school, and it sounded like he was planning on killing himself. I am so proud of him for calling me. I understood what he was feeling like, and I refused to take it lightly. I went to the SRO at my school, and he helped me decide what to do about the situation. I ended up going to the police over where I live (The school is in another jurisdiction.) and they took care of everything. An officer called me later and told me it was a good thing that I had said something because Jon seemed pretty serious about hurting himself. It was that small bit of honesty that has kept him alive.

Honesty is not a bad thing, but people are so afraid of it. Maybe it's because people are brutally honest, and honesty needs to be accompanied with gentleness.

I recently watched a documentary called 'Boy Interrupted'. A 15-year-old boy named Evan Perry killed himself in 2005, and his parents made a documentary about it. I've never seen or heard a more honest story about suicide.

We need to look out for one another, and we need truth to do that.

I want to help people become comfortable with the truth.

The General Answer

I've noticed something about people. I mean, I notice stuff because I'm a creepy people watcher, but this was interesting. When someone is asked a question that's directed at them, and usually includes the pronoun 'you', people answer in a general way instead of answering the question for themselves. Example:

Q: Why are you afraid to be who you are?

A: I think we're afraid to be who we are because we're insecure.

That's the kind of answer I hear a lot. At youth group, everyone talks about not giving a church answer. Well what about not giving a general answer? People need to answer honestly. Don't worry about offending people. If it's not what people expect, then so be it. Do you really want to be predictable? I think with predictability comes lying occasionally. We need to start answering questions with how we really feel, not what we think will fit into the idea of the right answer.

What do you really think?

Own It

Listen, no one can fix your problems except you. People can tell you what to do, where to go, who to talk to, and a million other things, but in the end, you're the only one who can decide what you do. No one can make you do anything. If you want your life to be better, then take the initiative that only you can take to make it better. It's not anyone else's job to take that initiative. They can't, and it's not fair to ask them to do that. People are not there to be tools used to mend your broken self. They're there to help you keep all the pieces in one place. Only you can put them back together. Only. You.

Own your life, because you can't sell it to anyone. Period.

Sentimentality

I feel like people are sometimes too sentimental. People for some reason feel the need to capture every second of their lives on film so they can remember it forever. Photos become priceless, souvenirs become revered. I just got home from a two week vacation with my family, and I took the least amount of pictures I've ever taken on a vacation. I figure, why worry about getting a picture of everything I see? There's plenty of pictures I would miss. I've begun to value memories over photographs. People are so upset when pictures are destroyed, but what they don't realize is they still have the memories that the picture was telling. I'm going to try to stop finding sentimental value in everything I come across. I'm too much of a pack rat, and I need to learn to let go.

On a second note, parents and technology that is familiar with my generation are really interesting when they interact. My mom has recently become addicted to Facebook, and she makes a big deal out of it. In fact, she was mad that I didn't want to be her friend on Facebook. It's a website! Get over it! People take the Internet way too seriously. Chill out, you're just looking at a bunch of pixels that people use to hide their insecurities.

One last note, I've finally realized that I am changing lives. I don't mean I'm just making people feel better about themselves. I mean, I've helped people start over. I've been carrying around a journal with me since January for anyone and everyone to write in. I had a couple of people from a table next to us in Los Angeles at breakfast write in it, and this is what the first guy, Bobby, wrote:

'In recent months I have become more and more of the person that I swore to
myself I would never become. I feel as if sorrow and depression are self
inflicted & this I've done to myself. In this book, I am starting anew.
Becoming the person I truly am; therefore, not quite becoming at all. I am just
letting go of everything I am not & leaving it on this page. I wish to
pursue a new life - happy and humble - in which I wake each day with eagerness
for the following hours. Thank you...whoever you are. This book has set me
free.'

I helped him out in a way I never imagined possible. I helped a total stranger who I had never met before in my life who is three years older than me. What's even more amazing, is anyone could have done this. But it was me.

Am I supposed to be something more?

This is me.

So, this is still blowing my mind. Tonight, I was told in a small group I'm in through my youth group that I look least like the typical person who was in the youth ministry. So...I had a unique look about me. It wasn't meant as an insult, and I didn't take it that way. It just blows my mind that my individuality actually shows through. I feel all the time like I'm stuck in the mold of rich, white kids, but I've realized I'm not. This is how I work.

I don't dress to impress. I dress in whatever way makes me feel comfortable and content with myself. If people don't like it, they can deal with it. I don't try to be something, I'm just me. And it's nice knowing that people notice that about me. I've struggled with becoming who I am now, and I think it's paid off.

Besides, the only labels that should exist are the ones on canned food.

Sunshine

It's a movie that has changed me. Yeah, it's kind of extreme for a movie, but it has. First, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's so aesthetically pleasing.

Anyway, so this is how it's changed me. Normally, I love cloudy, rainy days, and hate sunny, clear days. It's hard to get past the soothing sounds of rain against the roof, and just hear the thunder roar. It always gives me chills. But somehow, Sunshine has managed to make me love the sun. I was walking toward the school's stadium to watch my friends' lacrosse game, and the sun was shining on my back, and it was one of those beautiful sunsets. And I found myself whispering, 'They did it.', to myself. I look at the sun, and I breathe. I feel alive. So now I love all weather basically. How is it possible that the world can be so beautiful and broken at the same time?

So if you wake up one morning and it's a particularly beautiful day, you'll
know we made it. Okay, I'm signing out. -Robert Capa

My friends are the best.

And the above statement is said with as much meaning as you could possibly squeeze into five small words. Old and new friends, close friends and simple acquaintances, whatever they are, I love them all dearly. I have my best friends, Jess, Jenna, Jo, and Carter, who are always there when I need them, and I can truly be myself around. I have my group of friends at school, Maggie, Amanda, Casey, Clay, David, Thomas, Mitchell, and a ton of other people, who I can always fall back on. They're always there to lift me up when I'm falling. My friends at church, Wyatt, Genna, Abby, and several others, who I can be honest with, and just feel safe always. New friends, Jordan, Tito, Joey, that I'm growing relationships with, who can always make me smile. I think people take their friendships for granted. Talking about people behind their backs, or just treating people badly. Friends are people who take risks, make sacrifices, to maybe help you become a better person. I find loyalty between friends to be decreasing a lot. I'm the kind of friend who looks past the wrong people do, no matter what people tell me. I'm always there for my friends, no matter how badly they've treated me. I'm blind to people's flaws, and that can be a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure which it's working out to be for me, but I guess I'll find out in the end.

Tell your friends you love them- they probably don't hear it enough.

Nothing.

I have nothing to write about. For some reason, I'm only seeing things from my side. I've collapsed into a selfish person, and I can't get out of it. I'm inconsiderate to my friends and family, and I only care about myself. I barely take time to listen anymore.

Therefore, I can't think. If I do, it's dwelling on or worrying about things. The world to me right now is just...the world. Nothing more, nothing less. It's like life has lost it's meaning to me for some reason. It's frustrating. I don't feel wise or insightful anymore. I'm even getting burnt out on music. Granted, I still enjoy picking up my guitar, but I feel restricted...like I'm stuck in a rut with it. I'm not inspired to draw, write, or do anything. And it sucks. I'm a prisoner right now, and I can't seem to find the key to unlock the cell.

Well, turns out I found something to write about after all.

My Air

Music.

Yes, it's kind of a cliché thing to talk about and get all philosophical with, but at the same time, how can you not? Because when you really think about it, music is so much more than notes with a rhythm. I love how the movie August Rush puts it. 'God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe, a harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.'

It's an expression of feeling, personality, belief, opinion, stories. It can save your life. It can change your life. It affects everything. A scene in a movie can dramatically change if music or added, or even if the music already there is changed.

It doesn't even have to have melody. Everything in every day has music to it. Everything has a beat, a rhythm.

And there are so many different ways to create it. Singing, instruments, or just pounding on an empty trash can. And there are all the intstruments! Guitar, piano, mandolin, flute, cello, trumpet, sax, xylophone, drums, harp, harmonica, accordian, violin, bass.

Music is like air to me. With out it, it'd be really hard to survive. It fills a part of me than cannot be filled by anything else.

The music is all around you, all you have to do is listen. -August Rush

Love

Okay, so this was really interesting to me. I decided to look up the definition of love, and this is what I found on dictionary.com:

–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.

Now granted, these are all pretty good definitions. But how can you define something that is basically...indefinable? I think there's so much more to love than just affection or a 'warm feeling'. Love is sacrificing. Giving of yourself to another person. It's more than just a feeling. It's a choice. You may have affection for someone, but love is a whole different level of affection. Love isn't just romance either. You can truly love your friends just like you can truly love your spouse. It's just different versions of a love that is whole and complete. You honestly can't define it. It's like trying to make a plant talk to you.

On another note, I am getting frustrated with people talking crap about other people behind their backs. How can I trust friends if they aren't loyal to others?

Maybe I'm overthinking this.

This. Is. Awesome.

You know what I love? When there's crap that should bring me down, but doesn't. I have had such a great day today!

• Got caught up some more in German.
• Finished my not-done algebra homework before the end of class.
• Pretty sure I did well on my test in that class too.
• Woke up to lovely warm weather and NO SNOW!!!
• Had a wonderful lunch talking to Jenna. I even stopped eating before I was stuffed!
• Chemistry was extremely easy today.
• Got to go to the midnight premiere of WATCHMEN!!!
• Met some really cool guys.
• Got some more entries for the journal.

And to top it all off, I got a gigantic Rice Krispie's Treat!

What seriously rules though is even though we had a partially evil sub in German, my chem teacher was in a bad mood, my mom was moaning and groaning about people, the dog got into my room, and I spent all my money for lunch, I'm still in a terrific mood.

Great day so far, and I get to hang out with Jo and Carter tonight! Plus more fun planned for this weekend. I love life. Oh, and you need to go see Watchmen. But, you should definitely read the book first. You'll appreciate the movie a bit more.

I need to get into night photography...

I have found my 'Mr. Freeman'

First, let me define who Mr. Freeman is to me.

A little background, he's a character from the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. He is an art teacher who connects with the main character, Melinda, and she confides in him.

He is open to his students. He has a different outlook on life than most people. He's down to earth. He cares about his students. He's transparent.

Now, I would say that this all describes my theology teacher this semester. Well, except he isn't an art teacher, obviously.

Have you ever had someone really show that they care about you?

My teacher tells us he cares about us all the time. I actually know that now.

I spent about two and a half hours talking to him after school today, about the crap going on in my life, about life in just general, questions I had, movies, the school, the church, and so much more. How many teachers do you know who'd spend hours talking to one of their students, when they might have a ton of work to do? I've met some who would be willing to talk to me, but only for a bit before they had to go. Not this time. He sat there listening to me moan and groan about stuff, but he sat there because he wanted to help. I can't describe how grateful I am to him.

It's an amazing feeling to truly know that someone cares.

Maybe you can give that to someone you know?

You know what I hate?

When people are so incredibly bored with their own lives that they have to get their nose in other people's business. Example, two of my friends just ended their relationship. Now EVERYBODY is taking either his side or her side, even though they weren't in the relationship and should instead just stay out of it. But no, everyone's so bored that they just HAVE to get involved. They're making this worse than it already is, and it's not helping the situation at all.

This is exactly why high school dating is stupid. It ruins friendships.

High schoolers are extremely stupid sometimes.

Rushing

Ever feel like life is going by too fast?

I hate it when days go by too fast. It feels like they're wasted. I don't get a chance to take in the day, and appreciate the fact that I am alive then and there. I'm going to try the pace I'm going at in life. I need to stop everyonce in a while and realize where I am. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Thankfully New Testament helps me with that. The class just seems to help me slow down from the day/week.

I wish I could be thankful for more.

A quick story...I caught something today, and it was interesting. I caught myself being lazy. That's interesting considering how lazy I am all the time. I'm sitting here at my desk, playing my guitar, and I notice it's out of tune. I look to my left and see my guitar tuner with the plug-in cable sitting on the floor about two and a half feet away from me. I think to myself, 'Okay, maybe I can reach it without getting up.' Hang on a second! This is my next thought- 'What am I doing? Is it really going to kill me to get up and move a couple of feet to get a cable?' I caught myself being lazy...and I've never done that before. I did end up getting up and getting the cable. I'm going to make more of an effort to seize every opportunity that's presented to me. A bit of a twist on the 'Carpe Diem' mood everyone tries to live by.

It's happening...

So I have found a way that I can make a difference in this world...and people will remember it. I bought a journal last Friday, and I'm having people write in it. They can write whatever they want really. There's no limit. It's not my journal. It's for everyone else. It's a journal for you. I'm trying to muster up the courage though to go up to people I don't know well and ask them to write in it. I've done that twice- first guy didn't want to because he's 'not much of a writer' (Which is bullcrap because EVERYBODY is a writer.) and the second guy worked at Parkside, so of course he would. I dunno, it's a lot to ask of someone you don't know. People you do know are going to obviously be receptive, but if you don't know someone, their caught off guard. I mean, how scary is it to leave a piece of yourself with a total stranger? I think it could also be freeing if you let it. I just hope some people can find some little form of healing with it. Sometimes just writing something down can make a big difference to them.

I'm no longer afraid of death...this is what I've been waiting to find- a way to help the world one person at a time.

Remember.

We are not here for ourselves.
We are here for each other.

Teachers

Love them, hate them, but they'll leave a mark on your life forever. It's one of the two occupations I admire incredibly. I mean think about it- people sacrificing a comfortable lifestyle to teach kids who won't appreciate them, and they don't receive the salary they deserve. You must be someone who genuinely cares if you do all of that as a day-to-day job. And not only are they teaching you, they're basically helping your parents raise you into an accomplished person. How can they not do that? You see teachers 5 out of 7 days of the week, and you develop some form of a relationship with them. They're teaching you book smarts, and the street smarts they have gained from their own personal experience. Teachers have definitely had a huge impact on my life. Several have been people that I've gone to when I've needed help, and they gave it to me in whatever way they could. I wish I could sit down with every teacher I've ever had and just hear why they decided to become a teacher. It's a lot of sacrifice, and they made it.

Every teacher you have had has sacrificed for your well being. What did you give back?

Nostalgia

It's one of my biggest downfalls. I live in the past too much, which causes me to hold onto things I really shouldn't, and makes it difficult to let go or move on. On top of that, it also makes me a pack rat. I collect everything. Rubber ducks, barcodes, guitar picks, socks, etc. I'm surprised I haven't turned into a hoarder. I dunno, it's just a memory that can be held in a small piece of plastic that would be thrown away without second thought by another person. The gum wrapper your best friend stuck down your shirt when you two spent the whole day together, or the box that your brother gave to you with a necklace in it. Sure, it's trash, but it has a little meaning behind it. Don't worry, I do throw away my trash. I don't keep everything, but I might keep it for a while before I pitch it.

I have also decided I am going to do everything I possibly can to help out every person I can possibly reach. Starting with holding doors, donating blood, and volunteering. Be a do-gooder; it makes you happier.

The Simplicities

Don't you just love small things that make you happy? Like guilty pleasures.

Only they don't have to be guilty. What does that mean anyway? You should feel like a dork because you like something, despite the fact that everyone has their own likes and dislikes? And since when are there 'accepted' interests? So if you like an old TV show, is that a guilty pleasure? And does liking it make you 'weird'?

Anyway, I have several things that I enjoy thoroughly.

• Soft, strawberry licorice
• Socks
• Brand new journals
• Mirror's Edge
• Pearls Before Swine
• Rubber ducks
• Cryptograms
• Watchmen
• Sticky notes
• Pilot Precise V5 Pens
• Sharpies

We need to enjoy the finer things in life! And when I say finer, I mean smaller, less noticable, or the taken-for-granted.

Currently, I'm on a mission. To know people. To dive into their minds. To hear their story. Everybody has a story. And I'm searching for yours.